I need help with my Lovebird!!!

[orangeivy]

Hi ok, so I guess I have a bit of a story here and need some help if anyone can offer a suggestion.

I have had a lovebird for many years, and he was my bestest friend in the entire world!! His name was Mica! he was so attached me, and I was attached to him. (I don't want to get too personal) but he was really the only stable relationship I've ever had.

Well one day, while I was a sleep, my idiot next door neighbor welcomed herself into my house without my knowledge (apparently she was drunk or something) and let my Mica out of the house:evil:. Well after spending 24/7 looking for him and trying everything I possibly could to get him back, there was no such luck. I hit a very brutal depression:very_sad:. My father thought the best way for me to get out of this depression was to buy me a baby lovebird.
Unfortunately he doens't know much about lovebirds, and the fact that I wasn't in much of an emotional spot to really bond with her, made things worse. He also bought her from a pet shop where she had never been handled before.
Well now I've had her for several months, and am starting to get my strength back from losing Mica, and am trying to bond with Cairo (new birdies name). But I just can't bond with her! She doesn't have any behavioral problems, she wont bite, she doesn't scream, she's not schizo. she's just anti-social. She wont leave her cage at all. no matter what I try n do to entice her to leave er cage. I've been doing everything I can do to make sure she's comfortable, but she is just so attached to her cage that it is becoming more and more frusterating.
I keep blaming myself that maybe she doens't want to bond with me or love me because I haven't completely let go of Mica yet. I don't know. I know that I love her, and I really want to bond with her. I also don't like cages, I like them for bed time, naps, eating, and when I'm not home. But when I'm home I believe that the bird should be out of the cage, and she doens't seem to agree with that.

Any suggestions on 1) how I can completely grieve and let go of my one true love Mica
2) build a relationship with Cairo.
3) keep her happy.

FYI: Cairo is still a baby, so I'm considering this too, she's approxiamtely 6-7 months old, and has never been handled or hand-fed before. I have had her looked at by my vet, and she is totally healthy, has a good diet, and very well-behaved. She just won't interact...

[linda040899]

Hi and welcome to Lovebirds Plus Community!

I'm very sorry to hear about what happened to Mica! It was not your fault and that's the first thing you have to accept so that you can begin to heal from your loss. You will never forget Mica and should not expect to. Cairo is also not a replacement for Mica. She's her own individual self and you need to accept her for what/who she is.

With that said, you need to build a trust relationship with Cairo (very pretty name!) and that can take some time, especially if she's never been handled. However, that's not mission impossible. It just requires love, time and patience. I would start by just spending time with Cairo. Sit near her cage or move her cage to where you spend a lot of time. Talk to her. Eat near her cage. Make sure your movements around her are slow and not threatening. Lovebirds are very social and curious by nature. It should not take very long for her to become interested in what you are doing or anything you have.

Are her flight feathers clipped? If not, it might be a place to start, at least until she is tame. I usually clip 5 flights on each wing and it's enough to limit how far she can go if/when she decides to come out of her cage. These feathers will grow back with the next molt so it's not permanent.

Does Cairo like toys? Perhaps keep something with you such as a wooden beaded necklace that she might enjoy playing with to attract her attention. Favorite foods or treats will so the same thing. You want her to see you as part of HER flock rather than her as your pet so you are going to have to start thinking in that mode.

Read through our Behavior and Taming Forum and you will find more ideas and stories. I'm sure our other members will be by to share their experiences with you! Lovebirds are our passion and we love to talk about ours with anyone who will listen! :)

[Enko_chan]

Linda's information covered most of the basics of bonding that I would have added. All I can add is to watch her body language carefully and find out how she responds to your words and body language. Over time you will find that you are able to communicate very well with her. Even though lovebirds aren't known for their talking, they do come to understand the things we say to them. Even just sitting by her cage and reading out loud will help her to get used to you and feel comforted by you. She is definitely still a youngster, so it may take time and be slow-going, but if you keep at it you'll eventually become closer.

As for grieving... all my non-internet friends have fins or feathers, so I understand your plight. I am married, but I am disabled and work at home and he has a professional AND academic career, so I am home with the birds 24/7 and they are my world. Many years ago, a long long time before I met Chris, I had an Umbrella Cockatoo that a babysitter let out by mistake, and we never recovered. In a way, it can be even more difficult than having a fid die, because there's always some hope mingled with the grief. I have dealt with both situations, though, and I hope my experience may be able to help you. Well over a decade ago, I had a pair of lovebirds, one of which was tame and one wasn't. The tame one and I become very closely bonded over 13 years, until he was killed by my cat. I didn't have the heart to get a new bird- I had planned to take Pablo and Etta to school with me, but Etta pined away and died without Pablo, and I hadn't the heart to get another bird. The cat and I parted ways when I went to college- and that situation combined with my allergy to their dander meant I would likely never have another cat. I was very lonesome without my feathered companions for all the years I grieved for Pablo.

A little over a year ago, I lost the first and second birds I tried to get after a decade without having a bird of my own. One after the other to the senselessness of a virus passed onto them by their parents. Many of the people in this community were here with me when I lost Enko chan, came VERY close to not trying again, and then had my heart shattered again when I lost Loki in under 3 days. I still get teary when I think of these birds, they were as close to me as any human friend or relative- which many people may think is crazy, but I've got a feeling you understand. The grieving process is much the same, and the memory of a lost loved-one will always be bittersweet and though the pain changes, it is always there.

The support I received from the people in this community helped me to understand that though what happened was tragic, painful and unfair, the best way to honor my lost fids was to use what I learned from my time with them to love another. Not as a replacement, but as a completely new individual to love and be loved by.

Freyja and Odinn came to live with me a few months after Loki's death. I was very nervous and very sad. Despite knowing for a fact, due to medical test and necropsy, why my birds had died, I was secretly convinced that I was sentencing any birds that came to me to death- though everyone around me had tried to convince me otherwise. I was terrified that something would happen to them and couldn't sleep the first week they were here! Once I accepted that they were healthy and sound, and that nothing I was doing was harming them, I faced another difficulty. I wished with all my heart that Enko chan and Loki could be here playing with them, and felt guilty and confused by knowing that if I hadn't lost them I would never have met Freyja and Odinn- and though I loved them immediately, that love was balanced by guilt and grief. Over time, though, I have come to accept that I can't change what happened, and have really come to enjoy my affection for my new birds without confusing it with my love and sorrow for Enko and Loki... and even Pablo, though it was so long ago.

Freyja came to me tame, but Odinn was parent raised and never handled. They were over 10 months old (nearly 11 months) when they came to me, even older than your Cairo. With time and patience, Odinn has become a very tame and gentle companion to me! He'll never love hands the way some of my handfed birds that were socialized from the first days or weeks of life, he KNOWS he is a bird, while my handfed birds seem to think they are all or at least part, Human! I don't think anything is lost because of Odinn being a bird bird. I love his personality! It took some time to get him to come around, but patience, gentle affection, talking, reading and singing to him, MILLET and allowing him come to me at his own pace has brought us closer, slowly but surely. I think he'll continue to warm up to us, as well. He'll have been with us for a year in March. He never bites, and though he is still timid, he becomes more and more at east with us all the time and his timidness has never stopped him from being a sweet and gentle companion. Every now and then, he'll even lay on his back in my hand and let me tickle his tummy. I never imagined the skittish, terrified little featherhead that cowered in the back of his cage whenever I came near would turn out to be such a wonderful pal, but he is!

I am so very grateful that I had the support and advice of this community, to help me bear my grief, or else I would not have the five beautiful, amazing, sweet, parrots that are my friends and my family. I am so glad you've come here and don't be embarrassed about getting personal. The loss of a beloved fid is something we all understand and can empathize with.

I wish you the best of luck with Cairo. I'd love to see a photograph of her, and I agree with Linda- its a beautiful name!

Feel free to e-mail or PM me anytime, too. I'd be happy to show you photos of my birds and tell you more about what I've been through with my birds over the past 14 months... the past 27 years!

Also- keep checking parrot911 and other places to see if someone may have found Mica. I know more than one person who has lost a bird and had them returned long after giving up. I understand that you've accepted the loss and want closure, but there's no harm in looking, just in case.

[orangeivy]

Hey thanks for the replys.

I truly appriciate your wisdom on grieving. I still have a really hard time thinking about Mica without feeling that empty pit within my stomach and wanting to curl up in a ball and cry.

I really don't want to resent Cairo, but I still look at her like an imposter in my home because she's not Mica. but i'm getting over that.

I find it really hard because when I sit next to her and try n read aloud or sing, she looks uncomfortable and that is really the only time she'll voluntarily leave her cage. but if i sit with her in the bathroom (more small confined space) she'll sit on my shoulder and look very content, but when i open the door she wants to run back to the cage. and yes she is clipped. One of the first things I did when I got her. She doesn't seem to be attached to any toy or anything. I have never seen her play with anything!! she just sits in her corner in her cage, and I swear she wont move from that spot at all. unless she has to go down to her water. but then she's right back to that spot. I have tried to entice her with treats, but she wont take the bait. with millet, she'll only take that bait if she thinks i am no where near her.

But i think that I do need to spend more time with her, and just give her the abillity to learn to trust me and be curious about me. I tihnk i may just move her cage to maybe the living room where I eat, study, lounge, watch tv. etc... i dunno, maybe thatll help??

Thanks for putting it into a different perspective for me... I learned a lot about love from Mica, and I have to stop thinking about Cairo as a replacement. I am not replacing my baby boy, but taking what I can with the experience I had with him, and learn to raise Cairo as an individual apart from Mica.

I can definately post a picture of Mica, (I have tons) http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q169/orangeivygirl/101_0142.jpgTHIS IS MY MICA!!


but unfortunately I even feel worse that I have never taken a picture of Cairo yet... mmm... that makes me feel like Sh*t... I think that those are the few things I'm going to have to consider when developing a relationship with her. So I am going to make a promise that when I go home in a bit, I will attempt to take a beautiful picture of her, because she truly is beautiful. So check back for when I post a pic of Cairo

[CompassionAk]

Hi,I just wanted to say don't give up hope on finding your bird!I got a lovebird from the humane society this past summer,he had been found flying around outside and no one ever came to claim him.I put fliers up and ads on craigslist as well as parrot911 and never got a responce.Seeing this post I decided to put up a fresh listing on parrot911.I love Pele very much and it would break my heart to see him go but if he had a loving home like yours I'd want him to be found for sure.So even though it may have been a while since you lost your bird it doesn't mean someone won't find him who like me is looking for the birds owner!

Cairo sounds like she'll be a wonderful pet with a little more attention!I look forward to seeing her pics and hearing more about her.

[HaleBoppPeachyluv]

Aloha & welcome!

For being so small, our fids leave a huge hole in our hearts when we lose them, y'know?

The "Halebopp" in my username was a fischer lovebird I had for 9 years until he passed on. I was so sad, I couldn't even consider adopting another fid for nearly 2 years. My mom had a seagreen peachy hen, so it was enough for me to have a bird in the house, but one that I didnt' have to take care of or love personally.

After about 2 years, I finally felt the urge for my own lovie, and that's when I found Makalii (hawaiian for "little eyes", the hawaiian name for the constellation pleides). Maka very quickly became tame & he was sweet and adorable. Unfortunately for him & me, soon after I got Maka, I got married & I moved into my husband's apartment where we have a low ceiling with an overhead fan.

Nearly six months to the day I got him, I was careless one day and let Maka out of his cage while the overhead fan was on. Maka was fully flighted & made a beeline for the fan because when he's out & it's off, it's his fave high perch. I still feel heavy guilt & tear up thinking about it. Strong baby that he was, he survived through the night... but there was no way for him to heal properly... I had to have him put down. I was crushed because it was my own stupid fault that a beautiful, sweet baby like him was gone.

A month after, i was in a local pet shop & saw the first batch of pieds I've ever seen offered there for sale. My heart sang & I wound up bringing home Sunnybird.... who was NOTHING like my maka & absolutely did not want anything to do with me. I was so frustrated I even considered rehoming her.

Thanks to all the advice & encouragment here at LPC, I slowed down my demands for interaction with Sunny and felt comforted as she very slowly started responding.

Now, A year & a half later, Sunny is very tame & loving.... and she also prefers my husband's company to mine if he's home. Even to the point of standing on his shoulder & guarding his face so I can't come near for kisses. I get a bite. lol But if it's just me & her, I can skritch & kiss her all I want.

Take your time with Cairo & things will improve. *hugs*

[bookworm0550]

oh no, i'm so sorry honey about mica. he sure was a cutie pie of a lovie there. we are always here to listen and cry with you. i have not lost a bird like that though since these birds are my first birds ever, but i can only imagine the pain and panic you felt. i know i would be depressed and grieve pretty hard myself.

with cairo, she just needs some patience and love, which you obviously have a lot of. it'll take time, persistence, and trust, but i believe she can come around. mica may be gone, but he left another door for you to open. again, we're all here for you if you are feeling sad or anything about your babies, if you want to talk about any memories about mica, any photos you want to share, anything at all, we're all here. you definitely won't be alone here on this forum.