Tarquin loves Daddy... but why not Mummy? :-(

[Loupigs]

Boys and girls :-)

Sorry if I'm repeating anything I have said in other threads before, but I'll try to give you a bigger picture.

After huge amounts of research and preparation (birdie proofing a flat is difficult - it's like baby-proofing only harder coz the little terror has wings!) we just got our first lovebird, Tarquin. He's now about 12 weeks old, and is absolutely gorgeous. We got him from a really great breeder who lovingly hand-reared him on Harrisons formula, along with his 3 siblings. We met him at 5wks old and he seemed to choose us, crawled up my neck and nibbled my jewellery whereas the others seemed to want to stay together. So of course, come 8wks old, he had to be ours :-)

Tarquin has a Ferplast palladium cage in a corner of our living room where he can see all the action (we live in a top floor flat on a quietish city road), a really good size, away from radiators and draughts, is fed on Harrison's high potency with mealworms, hemp seed, fruit&veg, has fresh water twice a day and has sunflower seeds as a treat. He has plenty of toys which are roated, and mirrors which he loves, and a hideaway snuggy to sleep in when he wants some peace.

He is covered up for bed at about 9.30pm and we get him out at 7am before we go to work.

I work 9-5 Monday to Friday, my boyfriend Monday-Sat with a day off in the week as well. When we are out both out he has the radio on for a bit of company. Whenever we are home, which is a fair bit, Tarquin has free range of our living room and often the whole flat as long as windows etc are safe.

We handle him gently, we talk to him all the time, we love his loud chirping, we reward his good behaviour, we give him his own space. He was lightly clipped before he came home to us but that doesnt seem to have hindered his flying! He has discovered his beak so we give him paper to chew on instead of the woodwork! He has perches on all windows and mirrors, and has a bath in a bowl or from a mister every other day.

With my boyfriend he is near-perfect. He's quite cuddly, gentle, will give kisses and preen, gently chew ears and nose, step-up on command and has even started responding well to flight recall in reward for a sunflower seed. His favourite thing is to sit on boyfriend's shoulder/collar whilst he wanders around the flat.

At first he was very cuddly with me. However, he has recently become aggressive. I can't take him out of his cage without being nipped. It doesnt hurt obviously so I reinforce it by saying 'No' firmly and trying again but I just can't bear to chase him around his cage, he gets all flustered and makes these awful chirping noises. I know I'm scaring him and I hate it. He will rarely 'step-up' for me when he is out of his cage and if he does sit with me it's not for very long and he never really relaxes. I try not to fuss him or make it into a drama, and I will sit quietly in the same room just reading or watching TV so he doesn't feel pressured to interact with me, but I have to admit I'm very hurt as I love him dearly and he really took to me at first. Animals have always come to me so I'm very jealous that my boyfriend is the favoured one for Tarquin, although obviously I'm glad they get along so well :-)

Any advice is hugely appreciated! Should I just give up and accept that he has bonded with boyfriend and he just doesnt like me? We've tried so very hard to be excellent parents to him. Will his behaviour towards me change as he matures? I'm at a loss.x x x

[Dodo]

Congratulations on your new lovie :) It sounds like Tarquin has come to a wonderful home! My lovie, Frodo, seemed to 'choose' me as well when I got her as a baby from the breeder; I've had her 10 years now, and although she is still primarily bonded to me, she has learned to accept and even enjoy my boyfriend's company (although it did take him the better part of 3 years to make that happen- it can take quite some time!). Recently we got a second bird, Scooter, a maroon-bellied conure. With Scooter, I feel as though I'm in the same situation you are with Tarquin- we got Scooter from a rescue, and when we went to meet him, he stepped up on me, seemed to prefer me to Ryan, and even bit Ryan when he tried to pick him up! Scooter has been with us for almost a month now, and most definitely prefers Ryan to me. He bites me more often than he does Ryan, won't let me touch him when he's sitting with him, and is much more cuddly with him than with me. I've felt jealous as well, and a little disappointed, but I'm trying my best to befriend our new arrival and I feel like he's accepting me bit by bit. I'm not going to give up on forming a bond with Scooter, but am accepting of the fact that he may always prefer Ryan- sometimes birds do choose a favourite member of the family- BUT that doesn't mean he won't also grow to love me too (I hope!). With Tarquin, it sounds like you're doing well; you haven't had him that long yet and perhaps he's still settling in? Just being around him on a regular basis, speaking softly to him, feeding him from your hand (all things I'm currently trying with Scooter) as well as perhaps spending more time with him when your boyfriend is not there. Perhaps instead of trying to pick Tarquin up, leave the cage door open and see if, eventually, he'll come to you? Lovies are curious little monsters and perhaps he just needs a little more time to see that you're safe to approach and explore. Good luck with the little guy, and I hope it works out well for you! :)

[linda040899]

One thing I've found to be true with birds. Many will choose their person and it's their choice. Could be voice tone that they like or it could be that their chosen fidperson reminds them of someone else. I have a male DYH Amazon that was an abused bird before he came to live with me. He was abused by men so if you are a man, regardless of whether or not you've ever even met Monty, you are the enemy and you are EVIL!!! He's beginning to accept my husband but it's taken Monty almost 3 yrs to learn that my husband will not hurt him like all men before him. All you can do with Tarquin is let him continue to make the choices. At some point, he may choose to investigate you but that's his choice. It's not something to be taken personally.

However, this concerns me:

is fed on Harrison's high potency with mealworms, hemp seed, fruit&veg, has fresh water twice a day and has sunflower seeds as a treat.
Missing from Tarquin's diet is seed! You are feeding him a diet that contains too much nutrition. My avian vet recommends no more than 40% pellets in the diet of ANY small bird, as it can cause death by kidney failure. Being native to Africa, lovebirds need a diet that is higher in fat than parrots that are native to other parts of the globe so you need to include sunflower seeds as more than a treat.

[bookworm0550]

With my boyfriend he is near-perfect. He's quite cuddly, gentle, will give kisses and preen, gently chew ears and nose, step-up on command and has even started responding well to flight recall in reward for a sunflower seed. His favourite thing is to sit on boyfriend's shoulder/collar whilst he wanders around the flat.

At first he was very cuddly with me. However, he has recently become aggressive. I can't take him out of his cage without being nipped. It doesnt hurt obviously so I reinforce it by saying 'No' firmly and trying again but I just can't bear to chase him around his cage, he gets all flustered and makes these awful chirping noises. I know I'm scaring him and I hate it. He will rarely 'step-up' for me when he is out of his cage and if he does sit with me it's not for very long and he never really relaxes. I try not to fuss him or make it into a drama, and I will sit quietly in the same room just reading or watching TV so he doesn't feel pressured to interact with me, but I have to admit I'm very hurt as I love him dearly and he really took to me at first. Animals have always come to me so I'm very jealous that my boyfriend is the favoured one for Tarquin, although obviously I'm glad they get along so well :-)


i would let him get out of his cage on his own. going after him definitely won't build trust w/ him. can you give him treats? will he take them from you? you can try that so that he associates you w/ treats. can you take him to a quiet room (like a bathroom, obviously w/ the toilet seat down) where he can't really escape for some special mom and tarquin one on one time? i try to have my boyfriend do that w/ my birds. they obviously like me and trust me more due to seeing me everyday and knowing i am their caregiver (or slave is a better term). but my parrotlet hates my boyfriend! she'll bite him, lunge at him, and attack him all the time. but if he's got millet, she's all about the millet and she is a lot better now w/ him than before (though it's only a small improvement).

[bookworm0550]

Being native to Africa, lovebirds need a diet that is higher in fat than parrots that are native to other parts of the globe so you need to include sunflower seeds as more than a treat.

how much sunflower?

[linda040899]

I feed about 10% sunflower or safflower seed. I don't go overboard but the fat from sunflower seed needs to be in the diet.

[Loupigs]

I've adjusted Tark's diet so he's getting more seed. He often grinds the Harrison's into powder so Im unsure how much of that he's actually getting. Thankyou for the advice.

With regards to his behaviour, he's got very aggressive towards me. With my boyfriend he is a model pet, follows him round the house, into the shower, sits on the laptop, says 'Hello', gives kisses, plays games, even flies on command. Literally everything we ever hoped from having a pet lovie! Just with only one of us.

I CANNOT go near his cage, he will launch himself at me and draw blood. Luckily his feeders can be cleaned/refilled without me having to go into his cage so I can avoid that. I completely understand, it's his territory, fair enough. It's just frustrating that he's so soppy with my boyfriend!

I'm going to follow your advice and just observe him, see if I can work out what it is about me he finds so distasteful lol. No animal has ever rejected me in such a way and I'd be lying if I said I was finding it easy to live with. I'm really hurt and jealous, but that's my problem, not Tark's. As long as he's healthy, happy in his environment and is fulfilled from his relationship with Jarrod I can't ask much more of him.

Any other advice is hugely appreciated, but I resign myself to my fate! Who knows, maybe it's just a matter of time.
x x x

[linda040899]

Bottom line when it comes to who our pets prefer, the choice is theirs and we have to respect that. Most of my parrots prefer to be with me over my husband and there's nothing he can do to change that. They've been with me for years and he's a new-comer to the household. With time, they are getting a bit more accepting, which is nice to see but it's taken a while.

There's something about your bf that Tarquin really likes and it's not necessarily that he doesn't like you. He's formed a bond with your bf and the aggression you are seeing is that of a bird defending his mate. Lovebirds form very strong bonds with their mates and that's what you are seeing in action.

[Loupigs]

Bottom line when it comes to who our pets prefer, the choice is theirs and we have to respect that. Most of my parrots prefer to be with me over my husband and there's nothing he can do to change that. They've been with me for years and he's a new-comer to the household. With time, they are getting a bit more accepting, which is nice to see but it's taken a while.

There's something about your bf that Tarquin really likes and it's not necessarily that he doesn't like you. He's formed a bond with your bf and the aggression you are seeing is that of a bird defending his mate. Lovebirds form very strong bonds with their mates and that's what you are seeing in action.

Haha, the image of Tarquin 'defending' Jarrod is comical! I figured that was probably what he was doing, hence 'resigned to my fate'. Such is life eh? Obviously I think he should bond to me as I am MUCH nicer than my boyfriend IMO :-P Like I said, as long as the little guy is happy - in time I'll hope I can enjoy Tarquin whilst being on the sideline.

[Chickobee]

Has Tarquin been DNA tested, or do you know if he could be a she??? Some of the behaviors you are describing sound like a cage territorial hen to me, and that she has chosen your boyfriend as her mate.

Also, young lovebirds go through a sort of adolescent stage that they later outgrow. You could be having some of those issues also.

Maybe your BF could train Tarquin to step up onto a perch or ladder. Then you can use that method to get him out of his cage when you want to.

[LauraO]

This is definately a common, and often devestating, experience for bird owners. It's true, birdies often pick their favorite and that is that. However, I'm of the mind you can have a close relationship with a birdy even if you are not "The Chosen One" If you are open to developing it slowly, over time, and on the birdies terms.

First, I would step back and not force yourself on your birdy. I know this is hard cause I always want my birdies to like me as much as I like them, and have tried too hard in the past to win my birdies over. I've found the best way to get closer to them is to act a bit indifferent and aloof. Lovebirdies are curious and they will seek you out eventually..........I agree that letting your birdy come out of his/her cage on his own is good. The cage is home and only a mate is really allowed near it. Once he/she crawls out you will have better luck. I also agree teaching stick training is helpful so your hands aren't near them........Another good idea is to be the only one in the family who provides your lovie with their favorite treats. I will also say talking to your lovie a lot and just getting to know them and their body language will help you know when your lovie is open to interaction. Finally, ACCEPTANCE is big. We humans often take these sorts of lovie behaviors personally when it is just natural behavior for them. It's important to remember your lovie doesn't dislike you, it's just your not the chosen one at the moment and that's that and you have to work to build your own unique relationship with them.

btw, since your lovie is so young, I would not assume he/she will always be close to your boyfriend. Lovies change interests as they grow and will often leave their initial love interst. This is why being aloof is good, because forcing ourselves on our lovies ( a mistake I've made more than once:omg:) just reinforces their current beliefs and will have a longer term effect on our relationships.